Tuesday, October 4, 2011

How To Get Sponsored

Below you will find the best sponsorship letter ever written. You are welcome to use it by just filling in the blanks. You are welcome...

Dear Sponsor:

Ron Burgandy in Anchorman said it best: "I don't know how to put this but, I'm kind of a big deal. People know me."

When I heard [company name] was receiving resumes from athletes I immediately thought I should send mine since I am one of the most Elitist Athletes I, and everyone else, should know. It is really quite simple…I am glorious and the world should, and does, know it.

So…If I am "pimping" your product it is a win-win all around. I get free shit and you get a representative that will be competing on a domestic scale in [sport] while playing drinking games jacked up on Cytomax, Optygen and Viagra (why do you think my eyes are so blue?). God only knows how many lonely housewives, bored friends of triathletes who only talk wattage and South Beach Diet book owners will get a look at me and want whatever I am "selling."

I would list all my great race results but that information is under a box of medals and trophies that is honestly too heavy to lift. Last year's Christmas card had a picture of me in a bathtub, naked, covered in all my medals from competing. Who needs soap on a rope when I have 4th in my age-group at some park in South Carolina?

The important thing is what I plan on doing. I will grace numerous races with my presence anywhere the stars and stripes flies on a flagpole.

The bottom line is I am a whore and I know how to get people excited about whatever is inside the gravitational pull of my ego. With a head this big you can bet there is a lot of "pull" for the products [your name] uses (please note the 3rd person reference).

It will be a banner year for the elitist in me. I hope (insert company name here) can be part of the magic.
Get it while it's hot!

[Your name]